Completely content in where God has me, I reflect on the people He has put in my life as well as the direction He has given me in my career.
But then there’s that bomb. BOOM. The explosion in the sky that comes out of nowhere.
I try to trust God, keeping my hands open with my career and with any relationship that may come my way, but BOOM. It’s hard to let go of my control and give over my life, wants and dreams to God, especially when I really desire something that seems nearly impossible. Two things I so strongly desire:
- To perform: to be a well-crafted actor and see the beauty and purpose in creating.
- To have a companion: to have someone who will encourage and challenge me in who God has created me to be.
What may help in understanding my lack of trust (yet not justifying) would be for you to hear my story, or at least a piece of it:
I was dating this boy for a “hot minute.” I gave him my all. I was a dang good girlfriend, in my opinion. I was willing to sacrifice all my hopes, dreams and desires for him, and I kind of did. Slowly, one by one, my desire to perform as an actor was replaced with his desires for my life. He was becoming my potter. His mold for me was crumbly and disfigured, at best. But I loved him and I was willing to sacrifice.
Not long did that clay model begin to break and all that I lived for were in pieces at my feet. As much as I tried, the tears from my eyes and the pleads from my heart could not put it back together again.
But then God began to:
Bursting through the streets in jetes of faith, I had a desire for God like NEVER before. God put the desires of performing back inside my heart. I saw the beauty in creating once again. My Creator calmed my heart and spoke to directly to me:
“Stop daughter. Do not be ashamed of yourself. Don’t hide. You are beautiful. And beautifully made. I have made you for a purpose. It’s time for you to trust me.”
So I did.
And I moved, literally. After a few years of listening and trusting, I moved to pursue my dreams of acting. But more than mine, I moved because I felt God urging and calling me to pursue this industry.
Since being in Atlanta, God has taught me a lot. And one of this things I have realized is my past relationship with that guy has made me believe one big lie:
The lie that I cannot be in a relationship and pursue this industry, that I cannot create space for both a career and a companion, and that this companion cannot love me for who I am in Christ and who God has created me to be.
I desire to have a companion in life, who can encourage me with the gifts that God has given me and can help bring those to light, not diminish or push those down. And since living in Atlanta, I have developed a crush. Once in a while I want to scream it from the rooftops. Other times, I want to hide under a big, fluffy blanket. Not only is having a crush hard, but trusting God with that crush is hard.
So now I pray. I pray for my crush and for that relationship. But I pray more for open hands. I will never forget the day my mom, with tears in her eyes, showed me the palms of her hands and pleaded with me to trust God and keep mine open.
So God, I pray that I want you more than anything in this world. That if my career never goes anywhere, if I’m never married, that I desire you above all else and that I see you as more beautiful than anything in this world.
And I pray for you, friend. I pray that you trust God with your life. Your ENTIRE life.
Happy Valentines Day Ladies.
God is love.