It’s a steady stinging sensation that I have felt 50 times before, but this time it’s more. It’s more painful. It’s lasting longer, darker; and somehow filled with more hope than the other times.
There had been talk of a ring. Like, THE ring.
We were going to have this perfect life together. And yet I could feel my heart craving something, quietly at first and then reaching a crescendo that I couldn’t ignore. I loved this one. I mean, I wasn’t in love, but I did love him. Still do.
So why does God not want me to be with him? Why don’t I get to keep this one? Why is my heart more broken and crushed by this one than all the others?
Why won’t God just perform a miracle and make him love Jesus?
It’s been a little over a week since I obeyed God and ended a relationship with someone so very special to me. And coincidentally, it’s also been that long since I have been able to go more than about 12 hours without crying. Why does obedience have to be so hard? Why is it that for any Christian girl, dating just seems to be one big “UGH?”
I had never been mad at God- like yelling mad- until the other day on my run when I just started yelling at him and throwing little mental paper balls at him.
Why are you letting us experience such pain? Why won’t you just make him love you so we can be happy together? Why are you withholding my future from me? The thoughts kept coming, question after question.
Why me? Why him? How did so many emotions develop so quickly and why won’t they go away?
As I continued to hurl victimized and ungrateful thoughts at God I felt my breath quicken and grow shallow- almost painful. Yup, I was having a panic attack while running in 90-degree heat on one of the busiest roads in Roswell, GA. Cool. Okay, God, we will save this conversation for another time. But grace and mercy beat me to it.
Y’all, I have been there. You don’t know me, but trust me when I say I have been there.
Breakups, on-again-off-again, emotional abuse, sexual exploitation, assault, shame, fear, unfaithfulness. I have seen a wide array of dating situations, so trust me when I say I have been there.
However, I have also been redeemed, because there is nothing that our Father in Heaven cannot do.
You see, we have been given the sweetest promise, but we are too ashamed to accept it because being vulnerable has only resulted in pain and heartache. Lean into this promise with me. Girl, lean in hard and put your trust in nothing else.
- I don’t care if he has a ring, been there.
- I don’t care if he says he loves you, heard that.
- I don’t care if he takes you to fancy dinners, shows you off, rubs your back and plays with your hair, done that.
If he is not following Jesus, GIRL. RUN.
I have seen the other side and let me tell you: Glitter loses its shimmer and all you’re left with is a bunch of torn ticket stubs, a few champagne induced regrets and stale mascara.
There is a sweeter life to be had friend, won’t you lay down your earthly desires and follow The Most High as he takes you on the adventure of a lifetime with an eternal guarantee?
*The writer does not wish to disclose her name.